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It matters which seeds you plant and nurture and grow, and it also matters which seeds you do not plant; do not nurture; do not grow. Not planting unskillful seeds can be challenging. We don’t like being told “no,” not even from ourselves. We want what we want, when we want it, and how we want it. We like getting what we want. We all have vices, addictions, or poor patterns of behavior (call it what you will) which are hard to stop. We all have things to which we should say “no.” For me it can be eating too much popcorn, or watching too many YouTube videos when I should go to bed. Part of success in life is saying “no” to the wrong things; not planting unskillful seeds. It is also important to know that saying “no” might require getting help from others. Some vices, addictions, or patterns of behavior are hard to stop, or genetically encoded. There are also psychological conditions which require help from others. If you are facing a challenge that you cannot solve on your own, the best thing to do is to get help from others. At many points on my journey, I have needed help from others. Both in small ways, and in larger ways, others have significantly helped me on my journey. Here is a personal example. When I was younger, I struggled socially. On my first day of kindergarten, I spit in my teacher’s face. In elementary school, I remember saying to my mom, “Mom, nobody likes me.” I had very few friends. If I was invited to birthday parties, I usually wasn’t invited back. I was poorly socialized and didn’t have good social skills. I used to watch TV so that I could figure out how I was supposed to interact with others. At university, on four different occasions, roommates asked me to move out. I struggled and failed socially, over and over again. I felt worthless, unlovable, and broken. After not being able to solve the problem myself, I sought the help of a therapist. I think of therapists as “wise village elders.” In the past, it was common to have a wise elder with whom we could discuss our problem. Today therapists are these wise village elders. They have studied how to find more happiness in life. They have studied how to help others live with more happiness. The point of this personal story is that I had to say “no” to the unskillful behaviors of whatever it was I was doing that wasn’t working socially, even if I didn’t know what that was. Over the next several steps on The Journey, you will learn some tools to help you say “no” to unskillful behavior. We are not going to master the skill of saying “no.” Saying “no” to one’s self is challenging. Saying “no” to one’s self is a skill that most people don’t ever consider, and even fewer master. Important to remember: saying “no” to one’s self might also require getting help from others. If that is the case, the important role we play in that sequence is having the insight to realize that we need help from others, and taking the action of getting help from others. Super commendable! Super skillful! You didn’t come here for deliciousness, ice cream, and flattery. You came here for truth. You came here for honesty. You came here for skills that are going to help you to realize a better life: more health, more wealth, more happiness. Saying “no” to one’s self is not easy, but I know you can learn this, because I learned it. In the next several steps on The Journey, we will learn tools to help us cultivate the skillful: saying “yes” to skillful seeds and “no” to unskillful seeds. This skill is instrumental in helping build a great life.
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