Content warning: the introduction and each video include graphic descriptions of sexual violence. Proceed with caution if you find such content triggering or disturbing. In these video-diaries, three survivors of sexual violence share their stories of experiencing assault and the way it affected their lives. The following is a transcript from one of the video-diaries.
ANGELICA
It feels like you’re holding your breath. Like at any moment you could…
I had an experience of sexual harassment when I first came to NYU. I just started my program and I was working with… Typically, when someone comes to their Ph.D, they get an advisor or two advisors. The way my relationship went with one of them was completely different (from the other one). In terms of the level of professionalism he exhibited towards me.
Basically, over time he began to act inappropriately. There were other red flags that made me unsurprised that he touched me the way he did. Things like squeezing my hand from across the table, hugging me before and after (lab) meetings, inviting me to his home in Connecticut, suggesting that we’d walk to the park alone, only suggesting we’d meet when there was alcohol involved, insisting to pay for my alcohol.
I was his graduate student but I never saw his office.
I decided to go on record and I reported to Title IX. It’s a long drawn-out process that took a year or more than a year, I’m not exactly sure how long it took… It took a long time. The impact on me was imaginable. I heard back on the results, which was that my claim was credible but it did not rise to the level of violation that would lead to a consequence for him.
He is on-campus, he is still teaching. I had to find out that information through word of mouth and not through university. The university made no effort to tell me that he was returning, that I should be aware of his whereabouts, when he will be in my building, whether he’ll be at the public talks I’m attending. None of this information was given to me. I’ve requested it and… Yeah.
When someone reports something to Title IX there’s an initial meeting where you meet either with the director or with the officer. You talk about the process and what to expect if you were to go forward.
One thing I remember so clearly from the initial meeting was that the Title IX director told me that it was rare that she saw consequences in cases that didn’t involve penetration. Consequences for the accused.
I had to do an intake interview, sit down with two lawyers. They ask you questions they have to ask you. What were you wearing when he touched you? Did he touch bare skin? Did he touch your clothes? How long did the touch last? Things like that. As if any touch in that area could ever be appropriate, right?
I know these are the details they have to take but there’s a sort of retraumatization that is part of it. Not only do you have to relive it. It’s almost like… When someone asks you «how long did he touch you?» The thing in my mind is — isn’t that he did enough? So I would advise people who are considering doing what I’ve done to know that it takes a lot out of you.
This process hurts everyone involved. The only possible good outcome is that other students can’t be affected by this again.
I reached out to them several times to say “can you give me an update on my case” or “can you tell me who you’re interviewing” or “what we’re waiting on”. And what I heard time and time again was either no response, which happened several times, or emails that said “we can not disclose these matters to you”.
I do not regret doing it. I do think it was the right decision. When I say that you can only lose I mean that it will take an incredible toll on the person who has to do this. The reason I did this was because I thought that I had some information that should be known. In the future, if something ever happens to anyone again, I will know that my information is also there to help build and corroborate other people’s stories, who have gone through this. Yeah.
A message to other survivors:
I’m so sorry that that happened to you and it should never have happened. But you’re not alone. There are so many of us and we will not stop fighting to make sure that students on this campus feel safe. They have the right to education that is not in a hostile environment, that is not when they feel fear.
It sounds cliche but I’ve not felt alone in this process. Though I’ve felt a lot of things, I have not felt alone. Because of other people I reached out to who said “yeah, this happened to me, too”.
And the worst thing that we can do is take on these battles against institutions alone. You can’t refute evidence. We’re the evidence, walking around on this campus. Build community, to the degree that you can. Share it, talk about it. And then get to the f-cking work you came here to do.
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